Two months has passed since my last writing in this blog. I have been very busy lately, both at works and my personal relationship. This year, as I predicted, will not going to be easy. Especially that you set a big goal that will change your life for an uncertain period of time.
They said, “a big dream will always followed by a great sacrifice and it will never gonna be an easy ride”. I kept denying on how I feel when I decided to actually taking this step, to put others before myself. To recognize that someone’s dream is better than mine, or that someone’s ability to reach it is far than my ability to even identify myself. I think myself that I’m alright, it is okay for me to step back and close my eyes to the reality of many woman achievers at my age. You know, you can’t fool yourself. It is painful, no matter how you see it.
But then, I feel that this is the right decision. At least for now. I am no longer having a self-doubt about it. I don’t care how others may see it, or how people will judge me. I know myself better than anyone else.
After months passed by, I can feel the hard rock beneath me. Oh know I now how uneasy it is. Oh, right…there’s always…always….shit to take care of. There’s always things you don’t like, people who will makes you mad, and you can not just avoid it. I kept on denying those things will never exist if I work hard. But no matter how much I earn, no matter how hard I tried to keep patience, or how I tried to make sure everything is on the right place; it is just happened. There will always things who want to mess up with your life.
So I said to myself, “what’s the big deal?” Why I complain so much to the things that will never makes my life better – that will keep re-appearing for the time being. I have dream to take care of and that dream is one of my reason to be happy. Why would I ruin that by dwelling on to things that will not care to my state of being?!
That thinking slowly pull me off from the current. My circle might see me as an ignorant physically but they will not understand the reason of “why I don’t give a f*ck about it”. This is my choice. I am not strong indeed. Thus, I choose to follow my intuition. To prioritize on what matters most and just leave those gimmicks out of my mind palace. I am still learning this ‘prioritizing’ thingy, but I can assure you that the more I remember about what’s the most important, the more I feel that I have nothing to lose. That way, I feel happy.
I feel happy because no matter what’s going to happen, no matter who’s at fault, I am still the one being responsible for how I feel and how I will react or response. I believe that each of us has this superpower inside to see the light in the end of the tunnel and somehow, everything will make sense in the perfect timing. So why worry, Cinta? ***