I haven’t had a chance to write a long caption nor a simple piece of a blog post. It’s a roller-coaster ride during Ramadan 1441 H and a few weeks before that. So, whenever I got spare time, the only thing I do is resting my mind to sleep or having quality talks with Yeobo.
Even though it wasn’t a nice ride, I am happy of two things. First, KimCi class run successfully smooth from the first to the last class. It was my first project with my husband, so that does count on our first project accomplishment together, aside from living life as general 😀
Secondly, I think I nailed it at work. It was quite challenging at first, especially that the schedule is so packed…and it’s in Ramadan where our “biological hours” change according to our fasting routine. It was not easy, I should admit. I cried almost every weekend. Now that everything has worked out well, I am thankful and relieved.
However, I am also not happy because of two things. First, I lost opportunities to maximize Ramadan this year. I got to be honest, I didn’t manage to read any articles or journal, nor to recite Al-Qur’an that much. Apart from maintaining a fasting routine, I didn’t do much. It’s so sad indeed. I felt like I was draining too much from work, and doesn’t accomplish much spiritually 🙁
Secondly, both Yeobo and I are unable to visit our family this year. We wanted to keep everyone safe during this pandemic, with whatever we can do. As the number of people who are infected kept rising day by day, we believe it is best for us to stay in our nest. It’s even sadder because it’s the longest time for my mother and father in law to not seeing Yeobo. Yes, they were not accustomed with this long distance.
On the first day of Eid, I was full of tears. I felt that I am blessed, protected, and still being able to spend time with Yeobo during this difficult time..that’s a luxury some of our friends can not do at the moment. The first time for Yeobo being an imaam in Eid prayer. The first time for me to pray Eid with him only. That fact alone brings me to tears…plus so many regret for how I didn’t use the opportunity of Ramadan very well.
This, somehow, led me to re-think priorities.
These days, I’ve been thinking on what kind of life I want to pursue. Not that I am not grateful at the moment tho … it’s just I lately discover some parts of my self which are invisible before. Some part of me who scream for help, but unheard of. Some part of me who want to do things I am afraid of. And…all of me who wanted to be fully reconnected with my life goals and the Almighty.
So this Eid was also special because of that.
I have made some important decisions after many thoughts about this. Some decisions I need to take as an adult and family member. I don’t know which road this will lead me to, but God always listens. He knows what my heart is craving for. I have a strong faith on it…when I can picture it, I can make a way out of it. With His help, of course.
Thanks to this Quarantine (?) I was able to focus more on my self-development. I am aware of how fragile I am, and to the turbulence of my emotional well-being. Thus, more and more windows opened for me to know myself better and make better decisions too.
It’s not a Raya we all aiming for, but spending Eid in times of crisis this time, also felt special. With many virtual meetings here and there, less time we spend talking to others – more time we spend talking to our selves.
Eid Mubarak to all my friends – taqabbalallahu minna wa minkum, taqabbal yaa Kariim. I hope you all have a good Eid break to spend with your loved one, and may we all among those who are fortunate to meet Ramadhan again next year, aamiin yaa Rabbal’alamiin.***
Feature image: Sid Balachandran for Unsplash.