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Insecurities.

It is actually hard to explain something that you see as a weakness within yourself. Talking about quarter-life crisis is never easy. I feel like I’m in the middle of a crossroad. People are walking very fast, yet you see so much vehicles moving in their own direction. You stand there alone wandering in your own train of thoughts.

This is not meant to be a difficult post, really. But is it normal to feel this? I mean, people in my age are either running toward their dream jobs/careers or maybe enjoying one. Some might have started a family or planning to marry their loved one. Some are still searching. Some are taking higher level of study. Some…perhaps just like me, are wandering.

Don’t get me wrong. I do have a plan: career, study, marriage, etc – you name it. But this just feels like everything I plan and do might not always occurred like I want to. Normal? Yes. Like those “how-to-become-successful” quotes, maybe the best are yet to come.

But no. I am not able to feel that ‘safe’. I feel like I just haven’t work hard enough, I feel like there’s so much things in this world I need to take care of and I am just a useless human being trying to look good on social media.

You see, this isn’t easy to be explained. This isn’t a dilemma between taking a master degree v. marrying a good man. This isn’t a dilemma between marry at the young age v. becoming a career woman. I am sick of those feeds on Facebook that shared, talked in a status, and debated over and over. I am sick of that analysis that polarize those who decided to have an early marriage as traditionalist Moslem v. those who chose career and study over marriage as feminist. Just stop it. It doesn’t have anything to do with your life y’all.

Yes, I am that uncool when it comes to talk about life choices. I am not cool because I refuse to take sides to any of the choices. Because it doesn’t matter. Whether you choose either one of them, you will face its own challenges and it’s always fair, right? If you marry young and have a lot of kids, that’s okay. You’ll do great in learning parenting, family management with your spouse on how to sustain your family well-being and education. You will be the forefront of nurturing the next generation that will later make a difference.

If you chose to run your own start-up, working as a Junior to Senior-level position in multinational company, running your own business, taking a Master, Doctoral, Post-Doctoral degree over building a family in your age, that’s okay. You’ll do great in paving your way to your dream career and prepare yourself with best education to later create something meaningful for this world.

Even if you can do both at the same time: that’s okay. You know what’s best for you and you are free to achieve whatever it is that you’ve been dreaming.

However though, I guess whatever choices we make will not always please everyone. That’s just the way it is. You’ll get criticized, ‘nyinyir’, comments from someone who doesn’t even know you. Maybe this what makes us insecure. The fear that we will not be able to live well under judgement over particular ‘social standard’.

In my 26th year, I let myself feeling this vulnerable. I do not want to live in people’s expectation – I do not want to expect anything from anyone either. I believe that life is good when we only expect from God and believe in His way. I know and He knows what I’ve been through and that’s enough. I know and He knows what I’m aiming for and that’s enough.

I am also thankful that I have the best supporting system surround me. Someone who can understand why I am trembling over certain things, someone who can listen to my emotions, someone who can challenge my perceptions, someone who truly inspires me in their daily basis.

To that, I am beyond grateful.***

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