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February, You are Not Very Ordinary

This will not be a long, ordinary post like what I use to write. This is just a quick check-in to my mental well-being after some roller-coaster ride in the month of February.

So apparently, February 2020 is full of surprises. The good and the bad one. Almost all of them were unexpected, though some might be predicted. I sensed this at the beginning of the month since what I did in January doesn’t seem to satisfy me. After all the tears.

Long story short, there were some losses of the loved one which happens in my close circle. And some were outside my circle. But the sadness, the despair, the pain, somehow felt through even though grief is not something everyone would feel exactly in. It somehow, again, make the sky turns grey and affects how I view my surrounding.

However, there was also some good news. Yeobo and I managed to collaboratively deliver a piece of wedding advice in full-English, for my friend whom I respect dearly. Their guests were full of people across the globe, considering that she lived abroad and marry a Dutch. It’s also a big responsibility to deliver a religious piece of speech on one of the very best days of their life which they’re gonna remember forever, for the rest of their lives.

Since Yeobo and I were studying Dakwah before in our college, it was some of the responsibilities we need to carry on. We were really happy that this opportunity creates a deeper bonding for both of us, that we were able to conquer this challenge together (especially with Yeobo’s still developing his English speaking capacity). It is also such a wake-up call for both of us to go back to the Islamic studies, something which sparked interest and will always be something we always need to dig deep in.

Another good news, Yeobo is signing a contract in which he could pour his heart, passion, and mind to something he always wanted to develop his expertise in. So he’s not only learning at the (hopefully) ideal environment, but also get paid while doing it. He’s also surrounded by people from various backgrounds who would be a great sparring partner to understand tech and numbers a little deeper. I am very happy for him, like a best friend who is very happy to have her best friend succeed. Why not as a wife?

Lemme tell you why.

Truthfully, since both of us so focused on our day to day job, we were lacking of strategical discussions for our household management. We run things but sometimes we miss doing things. As a wife who should be responsible to take care of the management, I felt somehow, failed in some ways. I felt so burned out that cooking in the morning felt a burden rather than a refreshment.

Well, it always is truthfully. Imagine you need to think of a creative menu every single day and do a prep cook, washing the dishes afterward and rushing time cooking…for 365 days LOL. Yes, we are committed to always bring homemade food every day even if someday we can afford a helper or daily catering. It’s a choice we made and it’s the practice we need to do every day. A family discipline, if I may say.

So yeah, as a wife, I felt happy for Yeobo but also a bit terrified. Would I be able to keep up with our packed schedule? Will I be able to help him manage our household after a new change? Will I be able to make significant changes to my own routine so I can deliver a better process to our “family adulting process”?

You know what.

I shouldn’t be writing this at all tonight 😂

I am in the middle of preparing my presentation for my first teaching experience as a trainer for one of the largest chain restaurants in Indonesia. Somehow I wanted to do this check-in so at least I remember that I was all sweating and struggling to set myself on fire. So for the next on-going month, I remember that I am in this phase of transforming myself into a better version. That this pain would not be a waste after all.

While I was preparing the slide about “The Importance of Understanding Our Value for Self-Awareness”, I stumbled upon this thought. It’s 2020 and what was my value back then in 2010? What did I imagine myself to be in 10 years? Who am I with and what changes found in me? Is it a good one or a bad one? Did I achieve what I wanted to achieve???

And now, I try to re-imagine..what will I be in the next 10 years? I’m like dat Headhunter who will ask you that specific question you would not have 100% confidence to answer it. But you’ll answer it anyway. You want to get the job. You want a positive impression. You want to look like someone who has a vision and determination to achieve your goals.

This time, I’ll connect to my heart. I will let her speaks her mind and feeling. I know that somehow I already know what I will become. Perhaps I’m just too scared to be vulnerable, to feel stupid again from the beginning. To learn and start everything from zero.

To let the whole world know that “hey I’m a rookie so don’t looked at me like I’m the Forbes 30 Under 30. I will fail and you’ll see me fall. You might be laugh at me but I will laugh too, with you. I love laughing at myself because that way, I feel free of pain”. Yeah, I just said it out loud here.

So, let me finish my presentation. Thank you dear February, for all the whips and wonderful lessons. Thank You God for sending me reasons to reconnect with You and strengthen my willpower. Thank You for giving #KimCi chances to grow, to acknowledge our lacking and room to always improve.

March, please be real good to #KimCi 🤪 ***

Feature image: Cedric Dhaenens for Unsplash.


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